I grew up as a queer kid in rural northern Florida. Aside from the close proximity to an actual real beach with sand and not rocks, it sucked. I never thought I would choose to go back there on vacation, but my grandparents-in-law are snowbirds and we're going to visit them to escape the ice age that is currently taking place in Massachusetts. While I lived in Florida until I was almost 25, my family has never actually been there with me. I thought it would be prudent to prepare them for what happens when an ex-Southerner visits home.
1. I may develop an inexplicable homing instinct that allows me to detect every
Waffle House in a 20-mile radius.
2. I might deliver an unwanted lecture on the difference between dinner (a mid-day meal eaten on Sundays and holidays) and supper (an everyday evening meal).
3. I may refer to my friends and family as "Yankees", even though a) I never referred to anyone that way when I actually lived in Florida, and b) they will probably think I am comparing them to the New York Yankees, which, when dealing with Bostonians, is tantamount to inciting a blood feud.
4. I may just spontaneously start weeping.
5. Or screaming.
6. I may (actually, I almost guarantee this one) suddenly develop a Southern accent that my family have never heard before and will possibly think is fake.
7. I might begin waxing nostalgic about positive memories involving the smell of beer sweat.
8. Three words: Dunkin Donuts withdrawal. (It's not that they don't have Dunkin Donuts in Florida; it's just that I've grown accustomed to being able to see one Dunkin Donuts from another one, and this might be a fundamental component of my sense of emotional security,)
9. I may go on a three-day quest into the woods or a flea market, searching for hot boiled peanuts, emerging only when I have consumed so many peanuts that the ghost of George Washington Carver haunts my nightmares.
10. When Hezaa is wearing his usual red and black wardrobe because he's a goth kid, I might panic and hiss at him, "You can't wear those in Florida! Those are Bulldog colors!"
11. I may refuse to leave the ocean, declaring myself to be "reverse Ariel" and screaming "I'M MARRIED TO THE SEA NOW"
12. I might throw up every time I see a Dodge Ram. (This would be a lot of throwing up.)
13. I will declare Florida to be "too fucking hot", then upon returning in Massachusetts, complain that it is "too fucking cold."
14. You will discover that I know the words to a shocking number of Garth Brooks songs.
